DISCLAIMER: THIS ARTICLE IS SATIRE AND IS MEANT FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY.

In an unparalleled act of courage and bravery, all climate change has been reversed by a single recycled straw.

“It’s incredible,” said an Exxonmobil spokesperson, during their announcement of the good news. “We at Exxonmobil are endlessly thankful to the brave soul who recycled that straw, as their determination has single-handedly allowed us to push off any attempts at meaningful change for at least another sixty years.”

Kaeleighe Williams, the recycler of the straw, hosted a lackadaisical press conference from her porch the day after ending climate change. Williams said, “I, like, don’t know why no one thought of it sooner. I heard about climate change, and I was like, whoa. What? That’s crazy. Someone should do something about that. So I did!”

When asked about her views on other climate luminaries, specifically Greta Thunberg, Williams replied, “Who? Oh, right, that one girl from like. Germany? Yeah, Germany.” Thunberg is Swedish. “She had some good ideas, but, like, why didn’t she just try recycling? It was that easy, y’know. Didn’t have to whip out the boat or whatever.”

Williams is suspected to have been referring to Thunbergs’s fifteen day voyage in 2019 on a carbon-neutral solar yacht. Thunberg herself has remained almost entirely silent on Williams’ accomplishment, releasing only a short statement following Williams’ impromptu press conference which reads: “You all are acting extremely stupid, please stop.” Requested clarification has yet to arrive.

Halfway through the conference, the question of how, exactly, recycling was able to stop climate change was posed. Williams’ response was, “I dunno, what do I look like? Bill Nye? I just did what had to be done. And you know, that’s really all it takes. If we all work together, and, like, recycle sometimes, everything will be okay! You don’t have to look any deeper into it. Business as usual can carry on, yeah? Just recycle a bit, and it’ll balance everything out!”

Further probing as to how the recycling of a single plastic straw was able to mend every aspect of climate change (including but not limited to: the greenhouse effect, ocean acidosis, the rapidly melting polar ice caps, the island of trash off the coast of Texas) produced increasingly defensive reactions from Williams. When pressed even further by one particularly persistent reporter, Williams shouted for security, summoning a swarm of unidentifiable personnel who bodily ushered the reporter into a large windowless van. 

Williams then announced, “Sorry about that! You know how it is with the haters. Hey, do any of you guys think I’ve got a shot at Person of the Year?” The remaining reporters clamored to agree with her.