DISCLAIMER: THIS ARTICLE IS SATIRE AND MEANT FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY.

Recent measles outbreaks throughout the U.S. have been raising quite a fuss amongst the public, but frankly, they’re not something any of us need to worry about. Everyone is just being a little baby about measles.

Disease is a natural part of life! We need it to strengthen our immune systems, a process which is impossible to replicate with lowered risk or in any sort of controlled environment. No form of widely-used technology exists to instill immunity through literally the exact same mechanisms through which it develops naturally. It’s a sad truth that we need our communities to experience these outbreaks so we can grow stronger. As everyone knows, illness does no lasting damage to the body that accumulates into greater health issues later in life.

Yes, some of us may die—but that is a sacrifice I am willing to make. Additionally, it will only be those with weaker immune systems—the immunocompromised, the elderly, and the extremely young—who perish, and do we really need them? Grandma can take one for the team, the immunocompromised are already used to being screwed over for fun and profit thanks to COVID, and when was the last time a baby did something useful, huh? They’re unnecessary, unlike the lasting health gains our country will make from being absolutely overrun with measles.