DISCLAIMER: THIS ARTICLE IS SATIRE AND MEANT FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY.

There are many bad things in this world. But some outweigh the others so much that they deserve their own list, whether they be objects, people, or concepts of the universe. Here is the definitive list of the top ten worst things of all time.

10: Physics (The concept)

Bad enough that the government tells us to obey laws, but now the universe? It’s chicanery at best and contemptuous at worst.

9:  Goldfish (the animal)

I win a carnival game, and I win you? And then you die, but my parents don’t tell me that you died and replace you with a completely identical fish, and my concept of mortality is skewed until I am 17 and you die while my parents are on vacation, and I’m stuck with a dead fish for three weeks? Completely immature and selfish.

8: The State of Florida

No explanation is needed.

7: The Dune Worm Buckets From Dune 2

Disgusting. One of the worst mistakes of humanity. A “worm” popcorn bucket? What perverted, sick-minded humans want to reach their grubby hands into the mouth of a “worm” and grab some sub-par popcorn to shove down their gullet?

6: Girl Scout Cookies

Oh, you want me to “buy” your “cookies” so you can “raise funds” and “get a patch?” Simple capitalist trickery.

5: A Pair of Uggs

My partner once bought me a pair of Uggs, they said they were “special”, and they were nice for a moment. But then I saw about three dozen people at our school wearing them, and I said, “These aren’t special!” and threw them out. My partner didn’t forgive me for that one.

4: Sonic The Hedgehog

He scares me…those uncanny blue quills. The humanoid shape. No hedgehog should look like that…he haunts me…every night.

3: My Friend Clive

Clive stole my lunch last week from the fridge. He says it was an “accident” and I had “forgotten to label my name.” But only a liar and a thief would make up such heinous lies.

2: Global Warming

Global warming is a serious problem in our modern world. Over the past 100 years, the temperature has risen over 1.5 degrees Celsius. That may not seem like a lot, but it is an awful, dooming number caused by human activity. Our government seems to want to actively ignore that global warming is real! If we don’t take action soon, our world is doomed. Please, speak up and protest. We need to do something.

1: The Doodler from Doodle Jump

Doodler thinks he’s sooooo slick, always jumping all day. But in reality, he is a terrible, heinous creature who decides to “jump” all day? And for what! For achievement? For glory? What in God’s name is wrong with you!? You could be doing so much better. All those platforms could go towards housing. And those so-called “enemies” of yours? And why are they enemies?! Because they look different from you?! And that’s why Doodler is number 1, because he is a wasteful, racist piece of pencil-drawn trash.