DISCLAIMER: THIS ARTICLE IS SATIRE AND IS MEANT FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY.

On February 1, 2023, legendary quarterback and future Hall of Famer Tom Brady announced his retirement from professional football. But on April 1, everything changed. While on a trip to Jamaica, Brady addressed his fans in a short Instagram post, “Good morning, guys. I’ll get straight to the point. I… am… bored, in fact, I’m coming out of retirement to start a career in my secret passion: curling!”

The seven-time Super Bowl champion announced the bombshell statement just 60 days after his second farewell with the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Although he has been criticized for coming out of retirement for the second time within only a year, he did wait just a bit longer than his first coming-out-of-retirement at 40 total days, compared to 60. Deciding his additional 20-day wait was enough justification for a second comeback, Brady has now aspired to new goals not just within different football teams but an entirely different sport to once again win championships.

Just this Sunday, Brady was flooded with questions from reporters in his first press conference since the 2023 NFL Postseason. When asked why, out of all possible sports, would he choose to curl, Brady replied, “Curling is one of the most rigorous, physically-demanding sports one can find. I know football was, after all, I hold the record for being sacked the most times by 250-lbs linebackers running at me full speed. It’s time that I enjoy a non-contact sport.”

As if starting an entirely different sport is not enough of a challenge, the former QB also plans to sign with the Jamaica national curling team, which joined the World Curling Federation just last year. Brady commented on why he is choosing to play for the Jamaica national team as well, answering, “It started with the movie Cool Runnings,… about that Jamaican bobsleigh team. That movie has a special place in my heart, and I hope to create a miracle in the curling world similar to that with the bobsleigh team. 

Before leaving his hour-long press conference, Brady also declared his Brady principle of winning medals and trophies until one is bored. Following his seven Super Bowl ring run, Brady closed the interview, saying, “Michael Phelps, I’m coming for you! I’ll have a 50 meter hall of Olympic medals and NFL awards by the time I’m 99!”