DISCLAIMER: THIS ARTICLE IS SATIRE AND IS MEANT FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY.

Slightly past the two-year point in the war between Russia and Ukraine, which began on February 24, 2022, the war aggressively waged by Russia stopped as abruptly as it started. On March 23, 2023, not a single shot was fired, as troops all set down their weapons and ran back to their homes. This cease-fire comes as part of a recent deal struck between the United States, Russia, and Ukraine in regard to the war.

Although there was involvement and agreements between Ukraine and Russia, U.S. involvement was a relative surprise. In order to make such an influential and important deal, President Biden, in a surprising turn of events, replaced current Secretary of State Antony Blinken with former President Donald Trump. Given Trump’s complicated relations with Putin in the past and his threats to send high-powered weapons to the region, Biden thought that the former President would be an excellent choice. After the initial proposition of sending in Trump for the negotiations, Zelensky and Putin both seemed apprehensive at inviting Trump, but Biden didn’t seem to notice, so Trump headed to Sydney, Australia, the neutral ground over which a deal was to be struck. 

With Trump there to put on pressure, Putin rapidly reversed course from his threatening “no backing down” stance, immediately offering not only to remove troops from Ukraine but giving back the previously owned Ukrainian land. Not only this, but Putin also offered the entirety of Russian land that was classified as being in Europe as an apology for the war. Surprised at the quick negotiations, which lasted a little longer than a few hours, Zelensky walked away pleased at the encounter. The U.S. also gained lasting ties with the Ukrainian people, as Zelensky offered Americans access to all oil in the newly acquired formerly Russian territory. Despite the amount Putin had to give up for such a deal, the Russian leader also apparently walked away satisfied. In a statement to the press, Putin said that “I am so grateful for President Zelensky’s forgiveness of me and my people. I too recognize the pain caused by this war but am also happy to return to Russia in new standings. No longer is there the confusion of whether Russia is in Europe or Asia, as now we have no more European territory!” 

Also surprisingly, there are very few logistical issues that have transpired since the massive exchange of land and the rapid end of the warfare. The majority of Russian soldiers are being welcomed into the homes of nearby Ukrainians, as there is little destruction of property in most areas. Additionally, those residing in Russia’s European portion are now Ukrainian citizens, which is also a turn of events given that the requirement for foreigners is that they must reside within Ukraine for at least five years. 

In regards to the reactions by civilians, most are positive about the end of the war being a good thing for Ukraine. Most citizens interviewed were happy that they could finally rebuild their lives lost over the past year, both mentally, emotionally, and physically. Yet, there are still some dissenting opinions on this, as one Ukrainian fisherman stated that “business was better when the bullets were going back and forth. Now I can’t get anyone to buy my freshly caught fish.” 

Overall, while the rapid end to the war in Ukraine was surprising, especially given the fact that another war appears out of sight, there are definitely benefits being felt across the world. An immediate reboot of both economies resulted in U.S. gas prices dropping overnight, exciting the population, along with the major government change of Trump being instated as Secretary of State. Most international debates have also been put on hold for the celebration of this major achievement of diplomacy in Ukraine.