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The Student News Site of Vel Phillips Memorial

Sword & Shield

Sword & Shield

Sword & Shield

The Student News Site of Vel Phillips Memorial

Image attributed to Kevin Hutchinson

Ron Johnson’s Brain Hits Corner of Skull Perfectly In Highly Anticipated Event

Amalia Weix April 1, 2025

DISCLAIMER: THIS ARTICLE IS SATIRE AND MEANT FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY.   Breaking news—late last night, Wisconsin Senator Ron Johnson’s brain was seen perfectly striking the corner...

School Parking Lot Now Valet-Only

School Parking Lot Now Valet-Only

Nina Zhu, Student Life Editor April 1, 2025

DISCLAIMER: THIS ARTICLE IS SATIRE AND MEANT FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY. For the hundreds of students and staff who park their cars in our parking lots every day, Memorial’s newest policy could...

F1 is Back! Is this WIlliams year?

Patrick Mulkey, co Editor in Chief, Sports and co News Editor April 1, 2025

DISCLAIMER: THIS ARTICLE IS SATIRE AND MEANT FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY. Spring is racing forward Spartans and with it comes a sport we have begun to cover more frequently here at the sword and...

Spring Break Extended One Week

Spring Break Extended One Week

Nina Zhu, Student Life Editor April 1, 2025

DISCLAIMER: THIS ARTICLE IS SATIRE AND MEANT FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY. Last week, Memorial announced that spring break would be extended one week, meaning that students and teachers will not...

Image attributed to Universal Pictures

Universal Pictures Announces Another Ninety Fast & Furious Films

Amalia Weix April 1, 2025

DISCLAIMER: THIS ARTICLE IS SATIRE AND MEANT FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY.   Universal Pictures shocked and delighted fans around the world with their recent confirmation of not one, not...

AP Exams Now Open-Note

AP Exams Now Open-Note

Nina Zhu, Student Life Editor April 1, 2025

DISCLAIMER: THIS ARTICLE IS SATIRE AND MEANT FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY. With May just around the corner, AP exams are on many students’ minds. However, this year, the College Board has decided...

MMSD Keeps Schools Open After Black Hole

MMSD Keeps Schools Open After Black Hole

Henry Riley, News Editor, Co-Sports Editor April 1, 2025

DISCLAIMER: THIS ARTICLE IS SATIRE AND MEANT FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY. Following yesterday’s devastating black hole event in Madison, which effectively consumed and destroyed each and every...

France Bans All Soup to Prevent Mona Lisa Damage

France Bans All Soup to Prevent Mona Lisa Damage

Monika Jeraj April 1, 2024

DISCLAIMER: THIS ARTICLE IS SATIRE AND IS MEANT FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY.   On March 30, 2024, a shocking announcement reached the citizens of France. At the exact moment the clock struck...

UW-Madison Predicts 0% Acceptance Rate for 2025

UW-Madison Predicts 0% Acceptance Rate for 2025

Jonathan Buscher April 1, 2024

DISCLAIMER: THIS ARTICLE IS SATIRE AND IS MEANT FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY.   With the college admissions process growing increasingly competitive by the year, university admission rates,...

The Negatives of AI (Written by ChatGPT)

The Negatives of AI (Written by ChatGPT)

Jonathan Buscher April 1, 2024

DISCLAIMER: THIS ARTICLE IS SATIRE AND IS MEANT FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY.   From ChatGPT given the prompt: Write a newspaper article about the negatives of AI   Unveiling the...

Mr. Beast For President in 2032

Mr. Beast For President in 2032

PJ Mulkey April 1, 2024

DISCLAIMER: THIS ARTICLE IS SATIRE AND IS MEANT FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY.   Aspiring creator, millionaire philanthropist, insane content creator and everything in between can all be used...

Biden Is Now Legally "Taylor Swift"

Biden Is Now Legally “Taylor Swift”

Vince Kim April 1, 2024

DISCLAIMER: THIS ARTICLE IS SATIRE AND IS MEANT FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY.   Biden’s presidential campaign for 2024 has been on a tightrope for the last several weeks, after multiple...

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