DISCLAIMER: THIS ARTICLE IS SATIRE AND MEANT FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY.
Attention, sporty Spartans! This spring, VPM is excited to introduce a brand-new sport to our school: polocycle. The idea was brought about by one young man’s passion for polo and his ingenious spirit as he strove to overcome limitations. The main problem with making polo a school sport is that caring for horses is costly, time-consuming, and requires the school to take on the legal liabilities that come with keeping live barnyard animals on school grounds. One solution proposed was to play the classic sport with bicycles instead. The problem was that riding a bicycle requires the use of both hands to steer, so naturally we settled on using unicycles. Not only can they be maneuvered just by shifting your weight, but they are also far lighter and less expensive than bicycles, being half their size.
The rules of polocycle mostly follow those of regular polo. One point is awarded for every goal made, two points for jumping the fences set up at midfield while maintaining control of the ball, and up to five points for a well-choreographed color guard routine at halftime using the polo mallet as a baton. Students who sign up to referee the official games and judge goals, boundaries, and style points can earn volunteer hours. However, one twist will be added once the athletes reach a higher level. When a varsity team has been established, players will be made to juggle eggs with their non-dominant hand while holding the polo stick in the other. Since riding a unicycle instead of a horse leaves one hand unoccupied, juggling fragile objects has been substituted in to ensure that the sport remains challenging. One point will be lost for each broken egg. There has even been some talk of forcing varsity members to eat the eggs they break during their first practice.
A varsity team may not even exist until next year, but if the rumors are true, coaches will be sure to add salmonella to the liability waiver parents must submit alongside their child’s sports physical. Polocycle will require a great deal of agility, focus, and dedication, but it will also be very entertaining to watch. For this reason, several clown colleges have reached out to offer scholarships to top-performing polocyclists. One parent surveyed said, “Is this some kind of joke?” which means that these colleges must have been right about the entertainment value of polocycle.
The first informational meeting for all who are interested in joining will be held in the upper weight room on April 6 during lunch. After that, tryouts and practice will begin. Be prepared to show up after school every Tuesday through Friday if you make the team. Based on surveys gauging student interest, the cut rate is projected to be nearly 50%. For the sake of fairness, though, as this is a new sport, cuts will be made by drawing names from a hat rather than by athletic proficiency. To give the team ample time to learn the sport and prepare, the first game will not be held until April 31. As far as materials go, eggs will be provided by the school for safety reasons, but please feel free to bring your own polo sticks and unicycles. We are expecting a great turnout for the Monday meeting and hope to see you there.
