DISCLAIMER: THIS ARTICLE IS SATIRE AND MEANT FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY.

As a stranger on the internet, I am the single most qualified person to tell you how to raise your children. I have done the research, I have read the papers, I have seen two (2) children playing in the park once, and therefore you should listen to me when I say that the best thing you can do for your children is encase them in a stimulus-free pod until they reach five years of age.

Now, to those of you who scour the annals of the internet looking for mildly entertaining discourse, this may remind you of the Beige Mom trend. This is both correct and incorrect. Yes, it follows similar principles of avoiding bright stimulating colors. But the Beige Mothers do not take it far enough. Their children are deprived of color to please their aesthetic desires, whereas I am proposing encasing children in a tomb of total darkness for the betterment of all humanity. They may be moving in the correct direction, but we are not the same.

But why, I hear you ask. What possible benefit is there to ensconcing my spawn in a featureless tomb for five whole years? The answer is simple. If you do not, you will fail your children and doom them to lives of wallowing mediocrity. 

Think about where the human body does the most development in the fastest amount of time—that’s right, the womb, where there is notably little to no stimulus. This key observation, along with numerous sources* all but confirm that a stimulus-free environment is the key to rapid brain development. The lack of outside stimuli will also allow your child’s brain to develop holistically, without the influence of screens or garish colors. My sources* assure me that this will allow them to develop an extraordinarily high level of neural plasticity that will later allow them to utterly obliterate their un-podded peers in virtually every field.

Now, some argue that this treatment mirrors solitary confinement or white room torture. While this is true, it doesn’t address the fact that the methodology I am proposing would see the child transferred almost immediately into the pod postpartum. They wouldn’t have the time to develop the enriched senses or perception of self that makes solitary confinement so torturous.

Of course, this procedure cannot be done later in life. To those of you who have been raising your children outside of the pods, you have already failed them. They are doomed to fall behind a generation of super-children nurtured by the darkness of the pod. It is already too late for your children to truly succeed.

But for those of you who have not wasted your singular golden chance to create a tiny genius to live vicariously through, heed my advice. You can still do right by your future spawn. Good parenting will always require sacrifice. But great parenting requires the pod.

*source: it came to me in a dream.