DISCLAIMER: THIS ARTICLE IS SATIRE AND MEANT FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY.

Hello, my dearest reader. If you are here, then you seek the arcane secrets of the perfect bracket. And before I begin, I will tell you that I have no basketball knowledge or experience, so this is entirely theoretical and may be based on some fanatical imaginings of our world. But if you are still here, then you must be hungry for the illusive knowledge of the perfect bracket, so let me begin.

Creating the perfect bracket, I believe, comes in three ways that revolve around luck. The first is luck building. Now, luck will be described in this article almost like a critical chance in a video game, where you have a percentage to get lucky every time something happens to you. So, with this in mind, you can make a perfect bracket by having a 100% chance to get lucky every time you make a pick. But you may be wondering, how do I do this? To which I say, take a look around you, do you have any four-leaf clovers, rabbit’s feet, or random socks? No? Then good! This stuff is all very useless. You must instead practice your luck through cards and dice. Not gambling, just friendly games with friends in controlled settings where you can train your luck to work for you. Although that may seem infallible, I assure you, dear reader, this is completely logical as luck is like a muscle. It must be worked to have any real value or carry any real weight like that of a perfect bracket. 

Well now, you may be outraged at me, saying “I have played many card games and my luck is still the same!”, to which I have another solution for you. The second way to increase your luck may come from those closest to you. Although this is a more devilish way to obtain luck, I have heard of its success in far away places. You must steal the luck of others and bring it to yourself. Yes, you must convey and craft, scheme and plot, and defile and beg to have their luck. For luck is tied to someone’s soul and you must entice it to join your own soul. Now, this may get easier as you obtain more luck, therefore having a compounding effect as you now have a higher chance to steal luck from someone else. But the trick is starting. It is something I have never quite figured out. I have not devised a way short of bribery to get another’s luck to bond to your own soul. It is almost as tricky as a perfect bracket. But should one successfully do this even once, they could be well on their way to achieving more, hence the compounding effect mentioned before.

WOW! Are you still reading this article? Have all of these methods failed you? Well I suppose, there’s one more way we can boost your luck, if you really do want that perfect bracket. But I must tell you this is the most dangerous way. You must join the ranks of knights and wizards, orcs and barbarians, paladins and mages. You must transmute your soul into the world of DnD. By now, I am assuming you are not very good with the whole soul concept, since the second method failed you. But fear not, for in the world of DnD, there are many people who are experts on this and can help you achieve your task. You must join a DnD campaign and bind your soul to that of your character. Joining him in the campaign risks your own life to the dice rolls of your friends. But if you can level up enough and get more luck, then you will be alright. This is a foolproof way to achieve a luck boost reader, as not only is DnD centered around dice and numbers, but it comes with no small amount of skill as you fight and scheme your way through a campaign. Ultimately, the biggest danger is that you do not lose your soul to the game. It will ensnare your soul and seduce it with wondrous magic and awe. Many a seeker has been lost to the allure of the game and it is not to be taken lightly. But I know you are brave, dear reader, and a challenge will not dissuade you, why else would you be seeking the perfect bracket? You are a person of adventure. 

Now we have reached the end of our journey together my friend. Hopefully, by this point, you have found one of the solutions helpful in achieving the perfect bracket. But more than likely, they have all not worked as I don’t know how to access my soul or increase my luck, so why would you? But I find it fun to give you a chance, just like the bracket always finds it fun to string you along. Giving you a  false sense of hope and security as you make picks based on data and statistics. Reassuring you as your friends make similar picks and aspirations. Then finally solidifying it with a lovely sports commentator making the same picks you did. You think for a moment “wow, I have a chance”. Then it is all dashed away in one game. As a random 16 upsets a 1 or a 9 beats an 8. Only one thing can account for this random chance; my bracket, dear reader, will be based on this thing as it is something more, something magical, something I like to call: luck.