DISCLAIMER: THIS ARTICLE IS SATIRE AND MEANT FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY.

Following yesterday’s devastating black hole event in Madison, which effectively consumed and destroyed each and every MMSD elementary, middle, and high school building overnight, MMSD superintendent Joe Gothard issued the following statement:

“Dear MMSD Families,

We want to inform you that all Madison Metropolitan School District (MMSD) schools will be open and operating as scheduled on Tuesday, April 1st, 2025. MMSD staff continuously monitor the weather and cosmic conditions and celestial considerations (such as a black hole); we consider various factors when making decisions regarding school operations. With the safety of our students and staff at the forefront of our minds, we strive to make the best decision for the well-being of our over 25,200 students and staff as our highest priority.

While these decisions may not align with your circumstances, and students may find themselves getting sucked into the black hole never to return today, we encourage you to make the decision that is best for your family, and NASA recommends that you take several precautions before coming to our buildings, including: changing your mind, wearing a full spacesuit, and attaching yourself to a sturdy building several miles away.

Thank you for your cooperation and continued partnership to ensure MMSD is a safe, welcoming, and (now more than ever) expansive community.”

The decision by school staff came as a shock to MMSD students who followed the HDR Analytics closure forecast, as it reported a 99.9% chance of a closure due to a “(Space) Weather Alert Day”. The site has since shut down and claimed it was the victim of a cyberattack after the disastrous prediction. Districts in Verona, Sun Prairie, Waunakee, as well as the entirety of the continental United States and Earth are closed today. An MMSD spokesperson said that the district “would not build in black hole days for the future”.