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The Student News Site of Vel Phillips Memorial

Sword & Shield

Sword & Shield

Sword & Shield

The Student News Site of Vel Phillips Memorial

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Top Ten Worst Things Of All Time

Anonymous April 1, 2025

DISCLAIMER: THIS ARTICLE IS SATIRE AND MEANT FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY.   There are many bad things in this world. But some outweigh the others so much that they deserve their own list,...

Image attributed to Kevin Hutchinson

Ron Johnson’s Brain Hits Corner of Skull Perfectly In Highly Anticipated Event

Amalia Weix April 1, 2025

DISCLAIMER: THIS ARTICLE IS SATIRE AND MEANT FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY.   Breaking news—late last night, Wisconsin Senator Ron Johnson’s brain was seen perfectly striking the corner...

School Parking Lot Now Valet-Only

School Parking Lot Now Valet-Only

Nina Zhu, Student Life Editor April 1, 2025

DISCLAIMER: THIS ARTICLE IS SATIRE AND MEANT FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY. For the hundreds of students and staff who park their cars in our parking lots every day, Memorial’s newest policy could...

F1 is Back! Is this WIlliams year?

Patrick Mulkey, co Editor in Chief, Sports and co News Editor April 1, 2025

DISCLAIMER: THIS ARTICLE IS SATIRE AND MEANT FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY. Spring is racing forward Spartans and with it comes a sport we have begun to cover more frequently here at the sword and...

Daredevil is Back! Born Again Review

Daredevil is Back! Born Again Review

Ben Thom April 1, 2025

After 7 years, Daredevil: Born Again smashes onto Disney+! Daredevil is back in a lead role. Starring Charlie Cox as the titular hero and Vincent D'Onfrio as Kingpin, Daredevil: Born Again acts as a revival...

April Editors Note

Ben Thom, Arts & Entertainment Editor April 1, 2025

Hey-o Spartans! It's Ben, your Arts and Entertainment editor, and we’re back at it for the anti-penultimate (3rd to last) Sword and Shield for the 24-25 school year! 3rd Quarter is almost wrapped up,...

Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer

Democrats Unveil “H.E.L.P. U.S.” Bill

Henry Riley, News Editor, Co-Sports Editor April 1, 2025

DISCLAIMER: THIS ARTICLE IS SATIRE AND MEANT FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY. After the unsuccessful rollout of WI Rep. Mark Pocan’s “ELON MUSK Act”, congressional Democrats are drafting the “H.E.L.P....

How to Make the Perfect March Madness Bracket

How to Make the Perfect March Madness Bracket

Patrick Mulkey, co Editor in Chief, Sports and co News Editor April 1, 2025

DISCLAIMER: THIS ARTICLE IS SATIRE AND MEANT FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY.   Hello, my dearest reader. If you are here, then you seek the arcane secrets of the perfect bracket. And before...

Grandmas in Outrage over Closed Joans

Patrick Mulkey, co Editor in Chief, Sports and co News Editor April 1, 2025

DISCLAIMER: THIS ARTICLE IS SATIRE AND MEANT FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY. It has happened. The day we all knew would come, nay the day we all dreaded. We knew this would happen since we first stepped...

Spring Break Extended One Week

Spring Break Extended One Week

Nina Zhu, Student Life Editor April 1, 2025

DISCLAIMER: THIS ARTICLE IS SATIRE AND MEANT FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY. Last week, Memorial announced that spring break would be extended one week, meaning that students and teachers will not...

Image attributed to Jeff Brown

The Benefits of Brainworms

Amalia Weix April 1, 2025

DISCLAIMER: THIS ARTICLE IS SATIRE AND MEANT FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY.   As a society, we have been indoctrinated with a cultural disgust of organisms that, like the humble Taenia solium,...

Image attributed to Pulmonary Pathology

All of You Are Being Babies About Measles

Amalia Weix April 1, 2025

DISCLAIMER: THIS ARTICLE IS SATIRE AND MEANT FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY.   Recent measles outbreaks throughout the U.S. have been raising quite a fuss amongst the public, but frankly, they’re...

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