DISCLAIMER: THIS ARTICLE IS SATIRE AND IS MEANT FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY.

On March 30, 2024, a shocking announcement reached the citizens of France. At the exact moment the clock struck midnight, President Emmanuel Macron issued an appalling order, broadcasting on national television that from now on, all soup in France is banned. Weeping as he delivered it, Macron clearly stated that this order has absolutely no exceptions.

The unprecedented decision comes in lieu of recent events. On January 28th, two protesters from the ‘Riposte Alimentaire’ – rough translation, Food Response – movement hurled orange-colored soup at the famous Mona Lisa painting housed in the Louvre. These climate activists aimed to bring to light many French farmers’ problems with pay, government regulations, and competition. 

The attack on one of France’s most prized possessions hit Macron straight in the heart, he said, but what cut even deeper was the fact that it was carried out with Macron’s favorite meal. This, Macron deemed unforgivable. The French president was essentially forced to take action. 

“Using soup, the pride and joy of our nation, to destroy another pride and joy – that is a horror I never thought I’d witness in my life,” Macron famously stated.

The order takes effect on April 5th, but backlash from citizens has already begun to reach the French government. The morning after the announcement, the French poured out onto the streets with signs, chanting things like “Leave us our soup!” and “No soup, no satisfaction!”. As they marched to the French parliament building in Paris, local restaurants organized to provide soup for the protesters. 

Anger and disappointment coursed through the crowd as soup proponents delivered emotional speeches, bringing many close to tears. Aimee Dubois, a now-famous soup activist, brought up another crucial point. “Where will all the bread bowls go?!” she passionately called out to the crowd. 

Dubois was right. The soup ban will not only have straight-up soup implications, but will also affect numerous aspects of the French economy. Fresh ingredients will have to be thrown away, restaurant menus changed, generational family mealtime traditions altered. France’s GDP is expected to plummet, and unemployment rates will undoubtedly rise as soup-makers are thrown out onto the streets.

A surprisingly vocal opponent of the ban has been Macron’s own personal chef, Francis Oge. “I just don’t know what I’ll do if I can’t make soup,” he said in an interview with France 24, a French news network. Anonymous sources have told us he has even threatened to resign his role as personal chef to the president.

The French soup ban’s effects will undoubtedly ripple through the nation, as the sheer news of the ban already has. All we can do in these troubling times is stay strong with the citizens of France.