DISCLAIMER: THIS ARTICLE IS SATIRE AND IS MEANT FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY.

With the college admissions process growing increasingly competitive by the year, university admission rates, particularly at top colleges, have begun to decrease. Most notoriously, the Ivy League schools, which already had acceptance rates around and below the 10% mark, have continued to drop due to an increased number of applicants and the same number of seats to fill incoming classes. The same applies to other higher-caliber universities and the so-called “public Ivies.” As a rising public institution, The University of Wisconsin – Madison, has decided to up its game for the next admissions cycle, hoping to be counted among these top universities. 

In 2023, UW-Madison received a record 63,537 applications according to WPR, meaning admissions officers were overbooked and overworked. Having to read through so many applications in a short window, UW admissions officers report fatigue at reading a platitude of happily-themed personal essays and are simply burnt out. As such, especially considering UW’s goal to make the all-important U.S. News and World Report top 10 rankings, statisticians at the university estimate that, if the size of the applicant pool is anywhere near that of last year, the acceptance rate this coming year will be 0%. This will not only give admissions officers time to take a year-long break, but also propel the university into its golden age, as its admissions rates rival those of ultra-competitive schools. 

However, such a claim announced by the University has not been without controversy. Since the University of Wisconsin – Madison, is a state school, many Wisconsinite educators, legislators, and parents, have argued that Wisconsin students have a right to easier access to the university, which a 0% acceptance rate would fail to allow for. As a result, University Chancellor Jennifer Mnookin has agreed to hire one part-time admissions officer for Wisconsin students, raising the predicted in-state admissions rate to 0.1%. This also includes Minnesota with its reciprocity agreement with the Badger State. 

Other universities and analysts across the country are eager to watch this bold admissions move play out. Edward Fiske, author of the annual Fiske Guide to Colleges stated “Wisconsin is clearly showing its innovation, and I anticipate the success of UW-Madison in rankings in the coming years.” On the flip side, many Ivy League schools, including Princeton and Harvard released statements condemning the public university’s move, issuing similar messages of “you’ll never be one of us.” While time will tell what an unprecedented 0% acceptance rate will mean, it is a sure thing that this creativity and modern problem solving is exactly what UW-Madison expects from its incoming students as well.