DISCLAIMER: THIS ARTICLE IS SATIRE AND IS MEANT FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY.

“Gonzalo Montiel won everything for Argentina, the first time in 36 years… HE DOES IT! ARGENTINA REACH THE MOUNTAINTOP!” 

While at the moment so many emotions were going through Argentina, France, and viewers across the world, who watched the thrilling 120 minutes of a world-class World Cup final, if we were told that none of that had in fact happened, we probably would just ignore it. However, neither Argentina nor France was going to win the World Cup because it wasn’t part of the script. Because the actual World Cup final was between Qatar and Canada.

When 16 nations advanced to the Round of 16 after the group stages, those who were eliminated — Qatar, Canada, Uruguay, Belgium — were actually placed in an “elimination bracket”, whereby another Round of 16 would unfold among the eliminated, in which the losing team of each round would advance until there was an “ultimate loser” crowned the Monarch of Qatar. 

And so, the battle began. Qatar and Canada, both nations recording an unprecedented winless  campaign, literally no wins or draws but pure, complete losses, the only two nations to ever do so in World Cup history, were heavy favorites to win it all in the “elimination bracket”. Sure enough, Qatar and Canada, both teams recording 30 shots with zero on target, were under a gridlock for the 120 minutes and entered the penalty shootout. 

While the “fake” World Cup final between France and Argentina ended in a quick 4-2 win, the two winless nations put on the longest penalty shootout in World Cup history, with over 21 penalties for each team and neither one scoring until the 22nd spotkick, in which Qatari goalkeeper Saad Al Sheeb saved yet another Canadian penalty and proceeded to make his own against Canada to bring Qatar to the true World Cup.

Unfortunately, the spectacle was not televised anywhere in the world because the Toilet knockout was held in the Emir(Monarch) of Qatar’s backyard. Nevertheless, the Qatari fans, who were criticized for leaving each group stage match in the middle of the action and not supporting their home country, were actually leaving the stadium to buy a seat in the Emir’s backyard to watch world class performances by the eliminated 16. And like the bracket he had filled out, Qatar was “destined” to bring home the World Cup trophy.