DISCLAIMER: THIS ARTICLE IS SATIRE AND IS MEANT FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY.

Several months after the derailment of a Norfolk Southern train in East Palestine Ohio, which resulted in the spillage of dangerous chemicals into the local atmosphere, reports have begun to emerge regarding strange occurrences in the local area. While locals are clearly devastated by the environmental impacts of the chemical spill, they are also beginning to wonder what the potential effects are on their future. 

About a month after the crash, investigators for the National Transportation Safety Board (NTSB), stumbled across quite a sight in the woods surrounding the crash site on March 6, 2023. In the mud were hundreds of animal prints headed in the direction of the nearby city of Cleveland in the north and Lake Erie beyond. These tracks included those of brown bears, deer, and rabbits, along with Ohio native Blue and Green-Winged Teal Ducks, and many other unidentified creatures. Significantly, among these marks were also those of humans, yet in the form of bare feet rather than a typical shoe or boot print. A few days later on March 10th, a mysterious cloaked figure appeared to be leading a large menagerie of animals near Kent State University at Salem. Dubbed “Animal-Man,” a local hoping to remain anonymous identified him as Luke Colinway, a firefighter who had gone missing after his involvement in helping with the chemical burning on February 6th. “Animal Man” has been spotted multiple other times in the past weeks, appearing to stay out of the way of most people trying to photograph him. 

With over 45,000 animals being reported dead inside a five-mile radius of the train crash, one can only assume that someone is attempting to retaliate against this so-called “Animal Man” for some reason. Local Wade Lovett reported troubled breathing after he received a visit from his doctor, Dr. Marsha G. Lorwell, on March 11th. This was only several hours before Lorwell, like Colinway, disappeared from the public eye. “The room kinda took on a smoky haze,” Lovett said to reporters, “but [Dr. Lorwell] told me it was probably just the stress of the whole situation with the train derailment, ya know.” Several hours after Lovett spoke to CNN, he passed away due to respiratory failure, begging the question of Dr. Lorwell’s involvement. There have been various claims across the state of Ohio pointing to an individual in a white lab coat flying across the countryside, with many theorizing that it is the “Dr. Toxin” from Lovett’s encounter. While motives might be unknown, many of the diseased animals in East Palestine have shown similar marks as Lovett. 

Many other incidents have arisen in recent weeks as well, with individuals in the East Palestine area having reported certain oddities or abilities. All have wished to be unnamed, but situations include an individual with a third eye grown on their forehead, someone who can now jump large distances with minimal effort, a person who can supposedly turn invisible, and several more. 

As such, many conspiracy theorists believe that the train derailment and chemical spill caused superpowers in many of the locals, and several hope to duplicate the results for themselves. More than fifteen different groups in the last three weeks have gone to East Palestine only to find the area quarantined by the FBI and CIA, begging the question of what is really being covered up. Many have begun to wonder if Norfolk Southern intended to give such superpowers to test subjects in a lab and if the federal government may have been involved. Such a cover-up would shake the Biden administration to its core. 

Yet, the public may never know what truly occurred in East Palestine, and one can only hope that such events don’t happen nearby in the near future.