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Universal Pictures shocked and delighted fans around the world with their recent confirmation of not one, not two, not three, but another ninety additions to the Fast & Furious franchise. “That’s right,” the Universal spokesperson said, “we know when we’ve got a hit. Might as well take a nice long nap on our laurels, you know? I sleep great on my pile of money. […] Don’t quote that bit.”

Little is known about the projected plots of the sequels, nor the expected timeline of production, but a few tantalizing tidbits have been released. For one, the cast of all ninety has already been confirmed—Vin Diesel will be playing every single character, including those in the background. No official reasoning has been given for this bold decision, but speculation abounds. Some fans posit that it’s a sign F&F plans to slowly turn towards psychological horror; others speculate it’s a sly reference to overall homogenization of the franchise. Still others point to the mysterious disappearances of other F&F stars such as Paul Walker as a sign of something sinister, with the theory of a Vin Diesel hive mind being the most popular.

It’s also confirmed that several prominent directors and screenwriters will be pitching in on the project. “We’re just kind of handing them out to anyone who asks,” the Universal spokesperson explained, when asked for a list. “I think someone made a spreadsheet, and just started sharing it with people who seemed important. Martin Scorsese snagged F&F99, and then Speilberg and Kubrick keep fighting over F&F100. None of them seem like they actually want to direct one, they just think it’s really funny. And then somehow Neil Breen got on there? No idea how that happened, but he’s doing F&F62.”

When asked if there were plans for a cohesive, overarching story between the films, similar to the Marvel Cinematic Universe, Universal replied, “The cohesive, overarching plan is to generate enough cash to suffocate a dragon. So, yes. Similar to the MCU.”