DISCLAIMER: THIS ARTICLE IS SATIRE AND MEANT FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY.

For the hundreds of students and staff who park their cars in our parking lots every day, Memorial’s newest policy could cause backlash and anger. In an email last week, it was announced that, due to budget cuts, Memorial’s parking lots will now be valet-only to make up for the loss in funds. Starting this week, everyone who parks their car in the parking lot will drop off their car keys at the Welcome Center office in exchange for a ticket. When they are ready to leave, they will return their ticket to the Welcome Center for their car keys and pay a parking fee of $1 per hour. For most students and staff who park at school for around eight hours, that means a daily fee of $8. Enraged students have taken to social media to express their frustration, saying that they will now be parking their cars at West Towne Mall or other nearby businesses to avoid paying for parking. On the other hand, this parking fee may result in environmental benefits, as some students have decided to start walking or biking to school instead. It already seems like the number of cars in the parking lot has decreased significantly, but we’ll have to see what the long-term effects of this policy are.