DISCLAIMER: THIS ARTICLE IS SATIRE AND IS MEANT FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY.

Chess is difficult. We all have played it once and realized this game is just not for us — a blunder of the queen or a series of mistakes that led to a vicious checkmate. But I have kept a secret from you all that I’m now about to share. For close to three decades, I trained in a dimly lit cave with puzzles and bullet games from day to night. Whether it rained or snowed, I trained for one, and only one goal: to beat Magnus Carlsen, the GOAT of chess. 

And to this day, I have never been more proud to announce that I remain undefeated against Magnus Carlsen, the World Chess Champion. While I also have recorded some impressive numbers in other sports, whether it be a one-on-one against Michael Jordan, or a nine-hole showdown against Tiger Woods, I find this accomplishment most impressive, for chess is one of the most physically-demanding sports. Sweat trickles down my temple with every move I make on the board because it requires deep concentration and excellent hand-eye coordination. 

For those who doubt my undefeated status, Magnus knew from the moment I entered chess.com that he would be no match against me. After all, against Hikaru Nakamura, Garry Kasparov, and Bobby Fischer, I had never lost a single match against them entering the chess match. Striking fear before Carlsen, I challenged Carlsen to a Rapid game on chess.com, to which Carlsen politely declined. 

No matter how much one may speculate that Carlsen simply doesn’t want to waste time with me, I find Carlsen’s rejection as a sign of mutual respect, as he has now passed on the champion baton to a worthy successor such as myself, Vince Kim. And in doing so, I will forever remain undefeated against the champion!