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Madison Metropolitan School District plans to abandon metro buses in favor of a network of tunnels beneath Madison, allowing students to walk, run, bike, or drive to school without contending with the multitude of post-apocalyptic dangers that lurk on the surface.

MMSD administration displayed its characteristic forward-thinking in a statement released earlier today, when they announced that Metro Bus was no longer their “favored mode” of student transport in case of disaster. Instead, they proposed the use of a network of tunnels to avoid the burning pillars of hellfire, spatial distortions, and mutated tumbleweeds that prowl the land above. When we inquired about the specific reasoning behind this transition, MMSD cited a desire to protect the safety of each and every student to the utmost degree possible.

“It is already done,” MMSD ominously declared to parents. “The tunnels have been ready for years.” In addition to being the perfect horror movie set for film students, the tunnels provide a wonderful way to safely get students to school. There are definitely no cryptids dwelling within them and we will have no conflict whatsoever with the basilisk. These tunnels, while dimly lit and incredibly stifling, will certainly make getting to school every day an adventure. For those who are worried about finding their way, Jon Spencer—who teaches Memorial’s Challenge and Adventure class—will offer after-school training courses in underground navigation and orienteering.

Several students have commented that the underground tunnels make them “nervous” and that they feel “queasy about going into subterranean passages,” all reasonable feelings. When these points were brought up, MMSD administration conceded that going under may not be the best option for everyone. Accommodations will be made in the form of a school bus, modified mad-max style, for students who would rather remain above ground for their commute to school.