Judging You Based on Your Fall Drinks


Emily Cai

As we fall into the crisp breeze and (usually more vivid) autumnal colors, Starbucks is here to satisfy our seasonal cravings with the return of the ever-popular pumpkin spice and apple crisp! I’m ready to judge you deeply on your orders as a barista and also recommend some of my own favorite drinks that aren’t on the menu.


Hot Pumpkin Spice Latte

Speak your Christian girl autumn truth. Honestly, you all are always in season and I’m looking forward to the comeback of knit infinity scarves yet again.


Cold Pumpkin Spice Latte

I only approve if you get this with whip. If you’re going to be seasonal, you better be going all the way or you’re a wimp.


Pumpkin Cream Cold Brew

You’re definitely struggling to hold it together one way or another and are trying to bulldoze through it with caffeine while treating yourself to a silly pumpkin treat. Either a struggling student or mother, never anything else. Take the day off, you deserve it.


Hot Apple Crisp Oat Milk Macchiato

Nothing but approval. You seem like a sweet grandma who would tip well and I’m your biggest fan.


Cold Apple Crisp Oat Milk Macchiato

I’d be surprised if you didn’t have impeccable eyeliner and some variation of Doc Marten loafers on. You belong on the east coast with your cute little macchiato and history major.


Pumpkin Spice Frappuccino

Surprisingly, you’re a minority. How does it feel to be a special snowflake? Bask in this pride.


Chai with Pumpkin Cream

Although not officially on the menu, this is for all of you with superior taste that stay humble about it. The pumpkin is divine with the chai; I promise you will not regret it. Extra points if it’s with non-dairy milk.


Caramel Apple Spice

Technically, this is on the menu all year round but it definitely shines the most in autumn. It’s apple cider but 10 times better. I would sell a limb to have this smell in a candle. I don’t recommend with whip on top because it separates realllll weirdly.